what are you trying to say?

I dreamed last night that I met a guy named Nathan Scott on Facebook. We talked quite a bit for a week, after which he proposed to me. He was cute, with blond hair and light eyes, average height.
I accepted, due in some part to pressures from my family and somewhat to the fact that; wow I'm old, all of 20, I may never get this offer again.
The next day was the wedding. A makeup artist and my dress assistant were coming over that morning to help me get ready. I ate breakfast and considered how eating it would probably make me look fat in my wedding dress. I went and sat at a table in our front room and waited for them. The makeup artist came and she was talking to me about nothing in particular while we waited for the dress assistant. I realized suddenly that I had forgotten my soon to be husband's name. Scott somebody...
I felt very tired and depressed. Then I decided I didn't want to marry him after all. I told my mother and she didn't comment, only left the room, I suppose to tell the others.
I got up and went outside. The sun was shining brightly and the trees and grass and sky all made for a relaxing walk.
I walked to Nathan Scott's house. I remembered his name now. I went in by the back and sat down on an outdoor couch that was sitting facing into the house. All of Nathan Scott's family, including him, were running around getting ready for the reception after the wedding. Several random little boys stood to my left, playing with things they shouldn't have been playing with. In the warm sunlight, I couldn't do anything but calmly watch as Nathan Scott's cell phone rang. He picked it up, standing a few feet away from me, not seeing me, listening to someone's voice.
"She told YOU?" He asked into the phone. Then his eyes came up and he saw me sitting there.

some people...

...are so honest and raw.
they don't even care what I think.
it's awesome when they scream,
cuz I know they mean it.
I think I always censor my passions
cuz I'm always afraid they might not
understand, or imagine that they might not like it.
but who cares? who honestly actually really cares?
I have NEVER thought anything but admiration
towards those who put themselves out there.
I LOVE their passion and drive. It's quite beautiful.

today...

i was angry today, and i was frustrated. and i was at work.

I cannot leave the house for 8 hours when i am at work.

I am 'trapped' in there with 5 elderly people for 8 very long hours.

of course these feelings are much exasperated by the fact that I was very tired and had worked way too much this week already.

when i ask myself why why why why why do i work so much?

I can think of no good answer except that no dreams come free and this is the cost of my dreams.

today's good things are water and mint

if you saw me today, you might believe I was lonely, insecure, unattractive and somewhat hypocritical. and you might be right.
tomorrow you might see me and believe that I was confident, outgoing, politically correct and with an eye for style. and you might be right.
but what is the difference between today and tomorrow? and what does it mean that whatever you believe about me somehow affects what I am the day after tomorrow?
I am inside me, so I don't see how you see me. I wonder if you think I'm proud and mean, or if you can see that I'm just scared and trying to appear confident in case you are someone not to be trusted.
just a picture can tell a lie in so many ways, even I almost believe the lie when I look at the pictures. but i can't really.
do you know? when you look at me, I feel like you can see right through me, but you don't even know me. and you can't possibly understand me in a look.
and when I see you and you are not attractive, then I love you. and if I see you and you are beautiful then I feel that you are looking at me and thinking that I am not.
but I don't see what you see, cuz I'm inside me. so next time we meet on the street, please do more then ignore me. just smile and tell me that you don't care if we are different, or the same.

tracks to nowhere in particular

wander off into the vastness of too many paths. watch what others have to say, but you will never know how far they came.

but when the track disappears into the blackness, follow it on, disappear with it. maybe it will come out to the sunlight again..

problems of promises

What the heck was I thinking?? Or maybe it wasn't like that. Maybe neither of us were thinking. Maybe we each thought it was the others idea. Maybe we were both doing what was suggested to us by those we trusted. But how did they know what we wanted? Maybe in 5 years when we both have children of our own, then we will look back without feeling so confused. Look at me, I'm all turned inside out, it's all so unknowable.

shadows and guilt

I know some of you will feel betrayed, abandoned, even imagining I have lost my vision and dream.
I never meant to hurt any of you. So I'm sorry if this does.
I feel like I have been searching for a purpose and a meaning that does not exist. How much longer should I wait for someone or something that means anything?
I will likely make mistakes on my way, you may lose sight of me for way too long.
I have sat and listened to you give advice and tell me what I'm looking for, so maybe it's my fault I didn't understand a word you said. Maybe I shouldn't have pretended I heard you.
Now that I've packed my things and fled from my goodbyes, you can watch with the rest as I jump into unknowns.
'She's just as foolish as all the rest.' you and everyone will whisper as you pad back to the safety of tradition and rules.
How could I stay safe there? The roof of 'how we've always done it' was caving in and through the blinding mist of 'we just don't do that', I saw the sunlight promise freedom and I didn't think twice .

But now the trees look all the same, and freedoms light is threatened by the clouds of doubt. I've unwillingly dragged the chains of rules and 'reasons why we don't' along with me out of the safety. They aren't safe here. They make the people stare and frown, just trying not to say; 'you've got a weight you're dragging, it's going to slow your trip to hell.'
I didn't plan to go to hell, it's just along the way. But then I wonder, isn't there some way to have both freedom and the light?
If I go back, the people from their safety will stare as well, because when I'm in the freedom I come back smelling different. I come back looking different. I come back sounding different. I even think differently. People keep their children close and whisper about me when they think I can't hear.
Now I am out of place in both my homes. I feel vaguely guilty in the sunshine of freedom and cannot bring myself to fully join in. But in the shadows of safety and tradition I am unsatisfied and unable to see the end result.
I'm tired of faking both lives. I'm lonely either way, and so see no point in staying in either place. I don't want to fit in with either but I don't wanted to be rejected by either of them.
Lukewarm is distasteful, so if on my journey I cannot discover my heart's true desire then I shall not return.

- Emerandom

are you out there?

how can a picture of someone they want more than me be so painful?

compare and contrast darlings, but they always come out looking better.

hard to say

suddenly it has begun

it hurts to do it more

than have it done

catch you with a hook

then they turn

and kill you with a look

be gone without a trace

in the silent

nights we wait and pace

hearts all half awake

throughout

eery unfamiliar ache

what? again tell us love?

what they

did is undreamed of

it will all end, all trust

never again

love, you unjust

knife thrust...

white and mint and hurt me all over

it seems like a lie till they all show their hand.

with my creative all tied up in things i have to do

burn like a kiss when they burn just to brand.

it makes like a artist that has nothing else new

we all hide in the shadows so we don't have to stand.

i fake all my intrigue so they don't wonder why

they catch my uninterest so they know where to land.

still alone in the shadows, I don't say goodbye

it feels like and then some

I was surprised to realize that being 19 is no different than being 18. Only people expect more of you. It's depressing.

I hate getting older.

I think that I will look back and laugh at myself...yes that's very likely.

I always do. but right now it's unavoidably depressing and shocking. Also I found out that I am firstly Visual, then Musical, and then Kinesthetic.

All this I knew, but now it's in writing. It's that impressive?

I am very impressed.

And I'm still 19.

Still way too old to be me.

Maybe I'll grow into it...

dang child

i don't know that i've ever had such an odd day. i don't even want to discuss it...
and the sprinklers soaked me coming back from work at like 11:15. co-worker was late...and i wanted to tell her a betrayal that i'd just discovered. (of course it was me, i'm a dang child to have believed him)
go bury your head in the sand you evil monster. do you tell them all that they're 'just like a sister', except when you're actually with them??
moron. I hate you. grow a life, cuz you're obviously too lame to borrow mine anymore.
ouch. my nose still hurts from my piercing yesterday...but the stress was much greater afterwards...because then i started thinking about what mum would say/do. *sigh*
it's the end of the world as we know it...
i am jak's sense of rejected lifestyle.

how silly

Hell I always want what I can't have. And end up hating the ones who show me what I can't have. I just wish I was older and cooler...or maybe, just once to want someone I can actually have... Life sucks.
Everyone I don't want, wants me...maybe I try too hard. Maybe i'm not pretty enough, impressive enough...argg why does it have to be me that's not good enough for him???
Stupid stupid irrational emotions. Go away. I mean it this time. I'll be sick of his sexy boots in three days.
Maybe...

shone and gone

dreamer dreamer come away,

press your luck some other day.

darling dreamer day is gone,

the sun already shone...

and gone...goodnight

be happy love.

don't it feel like sunshine after all?

the world we love forever, gone.

we're only just as happy...

as everyone else seems to think we are.

(creds to jimmy eat world, futures, the world we love)

extremist

the end justifies the means.
wow aaron is awesome.
so freaken talented.

adulterated wastes

is my water too deep for you?
am i diving too far down?
does the darkness scare you?
sunshine is your crown.
i don't want to swim away.
why won't you follow after?
it's nothing you can't say
shrink away like i'm a traitor.

i don't want to
confuse you...
abuse you...
misuse you...
refuse you...
amuse you...
but i can't stay in the shallows.
drifting like too many zeroes.

goodmorning

goodmorning sweet one.
i wish it was still dark.
and we could sleep all...day.
but your pretty eyes are open.
and your hair wants combing.
and your stomach wants food.
and your lips want kissing.

so goodmorning love.
i'm glad you're the one...
that i woke up to today.
let's get up and meet the sun.
or perhaps we can sing in the rain.
such nonsense you say, but...
you laugh when i kiss you hello.

shine pretty morning beauty.
i wish you could stay forever.
this is pointless wishing i know.
cuz your sleepy eyes are open.
and your hands want holding.
and your skin wants touching.
and your lips want kissing.

blurred positions

drift away.

stumble back

another day

off the track.



forgot your name,

not your face.

teach me shame

i ride disgrace.



runaway heart.

my endless track

is desperate art.

stumble back...

downpour

wandering away, up the stairs, to nowhere in particular.
don't even know what's at the top anymore.
forget the world, all colors bleed, blur this fatal picture.
this solemn silence makes life easy to ignore.