shadows and guilt

I know some of you will feel betrayed, abandoned, even imagining I have lost my vision and dream.
I never meant to hurt any of you. So I'm sorry if this does.
I feel like I have been searching for a purpose and a meaning that does not exist. How much longer should I wait for someone or something that means anything?
I will likely make mistakes on my way, you may lose sight of me for way too long.
I have sat and listened to you give advice and tell me what I'm looking for, so maybe it's my fault I didn't understand a word you said. Maybe I shouldn't have pretended I heard you.
Now that I've packed my things and fled from my goodbyes, you can watch with the rest as I jump into unknowns.
'She's just as foolish as all the rest.' you and everyone will whisper as you pad back to the safety of tradition and rules.
How could I stay safe there? The roof of 'how we've always done it' was caving in and through the blinding mist of 'we just don't do that', I saw the sunlight promise freedom and I didn't think twice .

But now the trees look all the same, and freedoms light is threatened by the clouds of doubt. I've unwillingly dragged the chains of rules and 'reasons why we don't' along with me out of the safety. They aren't safe here. They make the people stare and frown, just trying not to say; 'you've got a weight you're dragging, it's going to slow your trip to hell.'
I didn't plan to go to hell, it's just along the way. But then I wonder, isn't there some way to have both freedom and the light?
If I go back, the people from their safety will stare as well, because when I'm in the freedom I come back smelling different. I come back looking different. I come back sounding different. I even think differently. People keep their children close and whisper about me when they think I can't hear.
Now I am out of place in both my homes. I feel vaguely guilty in the sunshine of freedom and cannot bring myself to fully join in. But in the shadows of safety and tradition I am unsatisfied and unable to see the end result.
I'm tired of faking both lives. I'm lonely either way, and so see no point in staying in either place. I don't want to fit in with either but I don't wanted to be rejected by either of them.
Lukewarm is distasteful, so if on my journey I cannot discover my heart's true desire then I shall not return.

- Emerandom