shadows and guilt

I know some of you will feel betrayed, abandoned, even imagining I have lost my vision and dream.
I never meant to hurt any of you. So I'm sorry if this does.
I feel like I have been searching for a purpose and a meaning that does not exist. How much longer should I wait for someone or something that means anything?
I will likely make mistakes on my way, you may lose sight of me for way too long.
I have sat and listened to you give advice and tell me what I'm looking for, so maybe it's my fault I didn't understand a word you said. Maybe I shouldn't have pretended I heard you.
Now that I've packed my things and fled from my goodbyes, you can watch with the rest as I jump into unknowns.
'She's just as foolish as all the rest.' you and everyone will whisper as you pad back to the safety of tradition and rules.
How could I stay safe there? The roof of 'how we've always done it' was caving in and through the blinding mist of 'we just don't do that', I saw the sunlight promise freedom and I didn't think twice .

But now the trees look all the same, and freedoms light is threatened by the clouds of doubt. I've unwillingly dragged the chains of rules and 'reasons why we don't' along with me out of the safety. They aren't safe here. They make the people stare and frown, just trying not to say; 'you've got a weight you're dragging, it's going to slow your trip to hell.'
I didn't plan to go to hell, it's just along the way. But then I wonder, isn't there some way to have both freedom and the light?
If I go back, the people from their safety will stare as well, because when I'm in the freedom I come back smelling different. I come back looking different. I come back sounding different. I even think differently. People keep their children close and whisper about me when they think I can't hear.
Now I am out of place in both my homes. I feel vaguely guilty in the sunshine of freedom and cannot bring myself to fully join in. But in the shadows of safety and tradition I am unsatisfied and unable to see the end result.
I'm tired of faking both lives. I'm lonely either way, and so see no point in staying in either place. I don't want to fit in with either but I don't wanted to be rejected by either of them.
Lukewarm is distasteful, so if on my journey I cannot discover my heart's true desire then I shall not return.

- Emerandom

are you out there?

how can a picture of someone they want more than me be so painful?

compare and contrast darlings, but they always come out looking better.

hard to say

suddenly it has begun

it hurts to do it more

than have it done

catch you with a hook

then they turn

and kill you with a look

be gone without a trace

in the silent

nights we wait and pace

hearts all half awake

throughout

eery unfamiliar ache

what? again tell us love?

what they

did is undreamed of

it will all end, all trust

never again

love, you unjust

knife thrust...

white and mint and hurt me all over

it seems like a lie till they all show their hand.

with my creative all tied up in things i have to do

burn like a kiss when they burn just to brand.

it makes like a artist that has nothing else new

we all hide in the shadows so we don't have to stand.

i fake all my intrigue so they don't wonder why

they catch my uninterest so they know where to land.

still alone in the shadows, I don't say goodbye

it feels like and then some

I was surprised to realize that being 19 is no different than being 18. Only people expect more of you. It's depressing.

I hate getting older.

I think that I will look back and laugh at myself...yes that's very likely.

I always do. but right now it's unavoidably depressing and shocking. Also I found out that I am firstly Visual, then Musical, and then Kinesthetic.

All this I knew, but now it's in writing. It's that impressive?

I am very impressed.

And I'm still 19.

Still way too old to be me.

Maybe I'll grow into it...

dang child

i don't know that i've ever had such an odd day. i don't even want to discuss it...
and the sprinklers soaked me coming back from work at like 11:15. co-worker was late...and i wanted to tell her a betrayal that i'd just discovered. (of course it was me, i'm a dang child to have believed him)
go bury your head in the sand you evil monster. do you tell them all that they're 'just like a sister', except when you're actually with them??
moron. I hate you. grow a life, cuz you're obviously too lame to borrow mine anymore.
ouch. my nose still hurts from my piercing yesterday...but the stress was much greater afterwards...because then i started thinking about what mum would say/do. *sigh*
it's the end of the world as we know it...
i am jak's sense of rejected lifestyle.

how silly

Hell I always want what I can't have. And end up hating the ones who show me what I can't have. I just wish I was older and cooler...or maybe, just once to want someone I can actually have... Life sucks.
Everyone I don't want, wants me...maybe I try too hard. Maybe i'm not pretty enough, impressive enough...argg why does it have to be me that's not good enough for him???
Stupid stupid irrational emotions. Go away. I mean it this time. I'll be sick of his sexy boots in three days.
Maybe...