what are you trying to say?

I dreamed last night that I met a guy named Nathan Scott on Facebook. We talked quite a bit for a week, after which he proposed to me. He was cute, with blond hair and light eyes, average height.
I accepted, due in some part to pressures from my family and somewhat to the fact that; wow I'm old, all of 20, I may never get this offer again.
The next day was the wedding. A makeup artist and my dress assistant were coming over that morning to help me get ready. I ate breakfast and considered how eating it would probably make me look fat in my wedding dress. I went and sat at a table in our front room and waited for them. The makeup artist came and she was talking to me about nothing in particular while we waited for the dress assistant. I realized suddenly that I had forgotten my soon to be husband's name. Scott somebody...
I felt very tired and depressed. Then I decided I didn't want to marry him after all. I told my mother and she didn't comment, only left the room, I suppose to tell the others.
I got up and went outside. The sun was shining brightly and the trees and grass and sky all made for a relaxing walk.
I walked to Nathan Scott's house. I remembered his name now. I went in by the back and sat down on an outdoor couch that was sitting facing into the house. All of Nathan Scott's family, including him, were running around getting ready for the reception after the wedding. Several random little boys stood to my left, playing with things they shouldn't have been playing with. In the warm sunlight, I couldn't do anything but calmly watch as Nathan Scott's cell phone rang. He picked it up, standing a few feet away from me, not seeing me, listening to someone's voice.
"She told YOU?" He asked into the phone. Then his eyes came up and he saw me sitting there.

some people...

...are so honest and raw.
they don't even care what I think.
it's awesome when they scream,
cuz I know they mean it.
I think I always censor my passions
cuz I'm always afraid they might not
understand, or imagine that they might not like it.
but who cares? who honestly actually really cares?
I have NEVER thought anything but admiration
towards those who put themselves out there.
I LOVE their passion and drive. It's quite beautiful.

today...

i was angry today, and i was frustrated. and i was at work.

I cannot leave the house for 8 hours when i am at work.

I am 'trapped' in there with 5 elderly people for 8 very long hours.

of course these feelings are much exasperated by the fact that I was very tired and had worked way too much this week already.

when i ask myself why why why why why do i work so much?

I can think of no good answer except that no dreams come free and this is the cost of my dreams.

today's good things are water and mint

if you saw me today, you might believe I was lonely, insecure, unattractive and somewhat hypocritical. and you might be right.
tomorrow you might see me and believe that I was confident, outgoing, politically correct and with an eye for style. and you might be right.
but what is the difference between today and tomorrow? and what does it mean that whatever you believe about me somehow affects what I am the day after tomorrow?
I am inside me, so I don't see how you see me. I wonder if you think I'm proud and mean, or if you can see that I'm just scared and trying to appear confident in case you are someone not to be trusted.
just a picture can tell a lie in so many ways, even I almost believe the lie when I look at the pictures. but i can't really.
do you know? when you look at me, I feel like you can see right through me, but you don't even know me. and you can't possibly understand me in a look.
and when I see you and you are not attractive, then I love you. and if I see you and you are beautiful then I feel that you are looking at me and thinking that I am not.
but I don't see what you see, cuz I'm inside me. so next time we meet on the street, please do more then ignore me. just smile and tell me that you don't care if we are different, or the same.

tracks to nowhere in particular

wander off into the vastness of too many paths. watch what others have to say, but you will never know how far they came.

but when the track disappears into the blackness, follow it on, disappear with it. maybe it will come out to the sunlight again..

problems of promises

What the heck was I thinking?? Or maybe it wasn't like that. Maybe neither of us were thinking. Maybe we each thought it was the others idea. Maybe we were both doing what was suggested to us by those we trusted. But how did they know what we wanted? Maybe in 5 years when we both have children of our own, then we will look back without feeling so confused. Look at me, I'm all turned inside out, it's all so unknowable.

shadows and guilt

I know some of you will feel betrayed, abandoned, even imagining I have lost my vision and dream.
I never meant to hurt any of you. So I'm sorry if this does.
I feel like I have been searching for a purpose and a meaning that does not exist. How much longer should I wait for someone or something that means anything?
I will likely make mistakes on my way, you may lose sight of me for way too long.
I have sat and listened to you give advice and tell me what I'm looking for, so maybe it's my fault I didn't understand a word you said. Maybe I shouldn't have pretended I heard you.
Now that I've packed my things and fled from my goodbyes, you can watch with the rest as I jump into unknowns.
'She's just as foolish as all the rest.' you and everyone will whisper as you pad back to the safety of tradition and rules.
How could I stay safe there? The roof of 'how we've always done it' was caving in and through the blinding mist of 'we just don't do that', I saw the sunlight promise freedom and I didn't think twice .

But now the trees look all the same, and freedoms light is threatened by the clouds of doubt. I've unwillingly dragged the chains of rules and 'reasons why we don't' along with me out of the safety. They aren't safe here. They make the people stare and frown, just trying not to say; 'you've got a weight you're dragging, it's going to slow your trip to hell.'
I didn't plan to go to hell, it's just along the way. But then I wonder, isn't there some way to have both freedom and the light?
If I go back, the people from their safety will stare as well, because when I'm in the freedom I come back smelling different. I come back looking different. I come back sounding different. I even think differently. People keep their children close and whisper about me when they think I can't hear.
Now I am out of place in both my homes. I feel vaguely guilty in the sunshine of freedom and cannot bring myself to fully join in. But in the shadows of safety and tradition I am unsatisfied and unable to see the end result.
I'm tired of faking both lives. I'm lonely either way, and so see no point in staying in either place. I don't want to fit in with either but I don't wanted to be rejected by either of them.
Lukewarm is distasteful, so if on my journey I cannot discover my heart's true desire then I shall not return.

- Emerandom