tell me again

i can honestly say i meant
to hurt you. i actually think
its rather funny...mean i know
but it's true.

-your darling emerandom

please...

i don't wanna be like you
you are the picture of
failure to me.
i'm afraid if i get
close to you that i will
become like you

-your emerandom
doesn't miss you anymore...

time, time, time for nothing at all.

time.
it's such a little word, with so much behind it.
the time before Time, when god waited in his
endless eternity with nothing to keep track
of 'time'. he wasn't worried in the least, he knew
that whatever he did would make him happy.
so eventually he made 'time' as we know it.
i wonder if it entertained him at first, like
a wondering child with a new toy.
and then, time for us.
moving us along faster and faster it seems.
sometimes i wish time would stop and
drop me off.
i don't wanna grow up and become old and grey
and then just die...

growing up again...

little children think that mummy and daddy are up there with god.
i thought the same thing when i was a child...
then, when i was about 14, my parents
betrayed that little child trust.
or perhaps i betrayed it myself, by becoming old enough to think for
myself.
i realized they had no reasons for saying no to me, no true reason.
nothing that would hurt me, but still they objected. later they told
me that they had misgivings about the situation. which of course
i was far too young to hear about...i think that's what made me the
most angry.
they didn't trust me, they didn't think i could handle what they
really thought...so instead, i decided i wouldn't handle what they
thought ever again.
their opinions became something i fought violently against, anything
they said was good and right became evil and horrible to me.
i was jumping off the other side of the cliff that they were on...and it
actually wasn't good. because they where/are right on some things...
it just felt so stupid, i just wanted to run away and never come back,
only i had no place to go...no handy friends who would welcome me in.
i was stuck, but i made this place an awful hell for my parents for several
months.
after counseling and various other forms of 'reconciliation' treatment, i
said i forgave them. it was getting annoying.
now i'm at that awful inbetween state, of wanting to go and never see
them again, and wanting to stay and it be okay for a while longer...
but it's less then 4 months till my 18th bday...i can't decide! (+_+)
this is so depressing...

make a wish all you children! it's 11:11
-your emerandom

forever never

isn't it always that way?
for everyone there's always
something more important then me...

mindless ramblings of an inservice (u_u)

there is a certain power
to seeing you, sitting alone
very quiet and calm after
doing that to all of us.
especially when i didn't see
you do it.
you aren't obviously angry
you've accepted the
consequences.
it makes me wonder as to
motivations and what
your thoughts are now.
are you sorry, i wanna ask.
would you do it again, if i
gave you the chance?
but you are deep inside your
shell.
hide away from my eyes.
even as your blank eyes stare
back into mine, there's nothing
behind them that i can see.
it's all hidden so deep cuz you
don't wanna get hurt anymore...

hate me today

it's it odd how words come to mean what they do?
how the word hate can be forbidden but never the feeling?

you can never tell someone they can't hate. they will feel
it even if they can't say it.
i think people feel things much less strongly when they
are encouraged to say what they really feel.
it's like you let some of that anger out when you say
'i'm angry',
'i hate you',
'f off',
'shut up'
all these things that parents tell their kids not to say...
maybe it does more harm then good...

-your emerandom

hello

god?

are you up there? somewhere in this beautiful gray sky?
do you care about a stupid insecure kid like me? or do you what me to rot in hell?
is it gonna start raining soon?
what's gonna happen to me?
will everyone else turn on me like J and B...and forgive me...
my mum and dad? why them?
we clash so much of the time...
maybe you could transplant me to a different family? even for just a
bit?
idk how much longer i can do this...

-your child (of hope), Emerandom

little humans

i don't care if i don't make a good impression on your sister or your other sister, or your mom. i don't care that she's my grandma and might not send me a nice bday present. just because i like to color my hair and i don't necessarily fit in with all your ideas of what a dutiful child should be...it doesn't mean you can discount my humanhood.
and your stupid little ideas about how i should always be the complete respectful daughter...sickening. i am so angry...i'm not your slave.
and if you are deserving of respect then i am too
but i am sorry for what i did...and i will try not to do it again...

leaving you

you know? i wouldnt mind so much if you did kick me out.
it's okay. it doesn't mean you hate me, it just basically means
you can't live with me.
:)
and i'm okay with that. it doesnt hurt my feelings, i know that
we don't get along too well...
...

so just throw me off this cliff, i feel like i've been bumping along
this stupid road for much too long...and now suddenly the road
ended and i'm falling off this cliff and it's okay.
it's just rather sudden, that's all...

just grow up darling

i hate you, standing all alone on the asphalt
the way you make me feel like it's all my fault
the way i feel uncomfortable around you
i wanna know those things that you knew

i think you've grown just a little too old
from the way you make my blood run cold
and the way you make me smile,
all this time, was it my thoughtless denial?

growing up just a bit, i'm a big kid too
i guess i thought i was stronger then you
just one light in the dark,like a shining star
but maybe you play me like an electric guitar

you love blood, right? well i do too,
but not the way you think i do
you call me a fake and i won't turn away
i know what i am and it's not what you say

vacation

we are going on vacation today. i feel depressed.
we are going to visit our aunt who i haven't seen
in ten years...
i didn't like her in the first place...she is like my
dad...kinda. a girl version tho.
she has one daughter who will be off in florida...
i think this will be really boring.
vacation sucks.
i wanna just stay home and sit around. :{
awful i know, you're suppose to want to do this
kinda stuff.

click to enlarge.

i fucking hate you people. why do i have to talk to all you idiots?you're all so lame and caught up in your own stupid problems.and in the end, those problems turn out to be not so bad after all...but for now, you need someone to whine to, some one's shoulder to cry on...why can you just grow up a bit? you really aren't a kid anymore
sometimes i think if you really did bump yourself off, then I wouldn't be that sad...i would just say something typical and move on. it wouldn't hurt me. it honestly won't hurt, i promise. so go ahead, you don't actually have the guts to do it. maybe it could be one thing you actually follow through on...one thing to make up for all the rest of your lame and stupid life.
i wish i'd never met you. you're like a deadly draining poison on my soul taking my time, my emotions, my energy. making me feel like i'm obliged to help you. making me feel guilty when i just wish i never had to see your face again. i hate you all the more for any sort of feelings i've ever had towards you.