tell me again

i can honestly say i meant
to hurt you. i actually think
its rather funny...mean i know
but it's true.

-your darling emerandom

please...

i don't wanna be like you
you are the picture of
failure to me.
i'm afraid if i get
close to you that i will
become like you

-your emerandom
doesn't miss you anymore...

time, time, time for nothing at all.

time.
it's such a little word, with so much behind it.
the time before Time, when god waited in his
endless eternity with nothing to keep track
of 'time'. he wasn't worried in the least, he knew
that whatever he did would make him happy.
so eventually he made 'time' as we know it.
i wonder if it entertained him at first, like
a wondering child with a new toy.
and then, time for us.
moving us along faster and faster it seems.
sometimes i wish time would stop and
drop me off.
i don't wanna grow up and become old and grey
and then just die...

growing up again...

little children think that mummy and daddy are up there with god.
i thought the same thing when i was a child...
then, when i was about 14, my parents
betrayed that little child trust.
or perhaps i betrayed it myself, by becoming old enough to think for
myself.
i realized they had no reasons for saying no to me, no true reason.
nothing that would hurt me, but still they objected. later they told
me that they had misgivings about the situation. which of course
i was far too young to hear about...i think that's what made me the
most angry.
they didn't trust me, they didn't think i could handle what they
really thought...so instead, i decided i wouldn't handle what they
thought ever again.
their opinions became something i fought violently against, anything
they said was good and right became evil and horrible to me.
i was jumping off the other side of the cliff that they were on...and it
actually wasn't good. because they where/are right on some things...
it just felt so stupid, i just wanted to run away and never come back,
only i had no place to go...no handy friends who would welcome me in.
i was stuck, but i made this place an awful hell for my parents for several
months.
after counseling and various other forms of 'reconciliation' treatment, i
said i forgave them. it was getting annoying.
now i'm at that awful inbetween state, of wanting to go and never see
them again, and wanting to stay and it be okay for a while longer...
but it's less then 4 months till my 18th bday...i can't decide! (+_+)
this is so depressing...

make a wish all you children! it's 11:11
-your emerandom

forever never

isn't it always that way?
for everyone there's always
something more important then me...

mindless ramblings of an inservice (u_u)

there is a certain power
to seeing you, sitting alone
very quiet and calm after
doing that to all of us.
especially when i didn't see
you do it.
you aren't obviously angry
you've accepted the
consequences.
it makes me wonder as to
motivations and what
your thoughts are now.
are you sorry, i wanna ask.
would you do it again, if i
gave you the chance?
but you are deep inside your
shell.
hide away from my eyes.
even as your blank eyes stare
back into mine, there's nothing
behind them that i can see.
it's all hidden so deep cuz you
don't wanna get hurt anymore...

hate me today

it's it odd how words come to mean what they do?
how the word hate can be forbidden but never the feeling?

you can never tell someone they can't hate. they will feel
it even if they can't say it.
i think people feel things much less strongly when they
are encouraged to say what they really feel.
it's like you let some of that anger out when you say
'i'm angry',
'i hate you',
'f off',
'shut up'
all these things that parents tell their kids not to say...
maybe it does more harm then good...

-your emerandom