are you out there?

how can a picture of someone they want more than me be so painful?

compare and contrast darlings, but they always come out looking better.

hard to say

suddenly it has begun

it hurts to do it more

than have it done

catch you with a hook

then they turn

and kill you with a look

be gone without a trace

in the silent

nights we wait and pace

hearts all half awake

throughout

eery unfamiliar ache

what? again tell us love?

what they

did is undreamed of

it will all end, all trust

never again

love, you unjust

knife thrust...

white and mint and hurt me all over

it seems like a lie till they all show their hand.

with my creative all tied up in things i have to do

burn like a kiss when they burn just to brand.

it makes like a artist that has nothing else new

we all hide in the shadows so we don't have to stand.

i fake all my intrigue so they don't wonder why

they catch my uninterest so they know where to land.

still alone in the shadows, I don't say goodbye

it feels like and then some

I was surprised to realize that being 19 is no different than being 18. Only people expect more of you. It's depressing.

I hate getting older.

I think that I will look back and laugh at myself...yes that's very likely.

I always do. but right now it's unavoidably depressing and shocking. Also I found out that I am firstly Visual, then Musical, and then Kinesthetic.

All this I knew, but now it's in writing. It's that impressive?

I am very impressed.

And I'm still 19.

Still way too old to be me.

Maybe I'll grow into it...

dang child

i don't know that i've ever had such an odd day. i don't even want to discuss it...
and the sprinklers soaked me coming back from work at like 11:15. co-worker was late...and i wanted to tell her a betrayal that i'd just discovered. (of course it was me, i'm a dang child to have believed him)
go bury your head in the sand you evil monster. do you tell them all that they're 'just like a sister', except when you're actually with them??
moron. I hate you. grow a life, cuz you're obviously too lame to borrow mine anymore.
ouch. my nose still hurts from my piercing yesterday...but the stress was much greater afterwards...because then i started thinking about what mum would say/do. *sigh*
it's the end of the world as we know it...
i am jak's sense of rejected lifestyle.

how silly

Hell I always want what I can't have. And end up hating the ones who show me what I can't have. I just wish I was older and cooler...or maybe, just once to want someone I can actually have... Life sucks.
Everyone I don't want, wants me...maybe I try too hard. Maybe i'm not pretty enough, impressive enough...argg why does it have to be me that's not good enough for him???
Stupid stupid irrational emotions. Go away. I mean it this time. I'll be sick of his sexy boots in three days.
Maybe...

shone and gone

dreamer dreamer come away,

press your luck some other day.

darling dreamer day is gone,

the sun already shone...

and gone...goodnight

be happy love.

don't it feel like sunshine after all?

the world we love forever, gone.

we're only just as happy...

as everyone else seems to think we are.

(creds to jimmy eat world, futures, the world we love)

extremist

the end justifies the means.
wow aaron is awesome.
so freaken talented.

adulterated wastes

is my water too deep for you?
am i diving too far down?
does the darkness scare you?
sunshine is your crown.
i don't want to swim away.
why won't you follow after?
it's nothing you can't say
shrink away like i'm a traitor.

i don't want to
confuse you...
abuse you...
misuse you...
refuse you...
amuse you...
but i can't stay in the shallows.
drifting like too many zeroes.

goodmorning

goodmorning sweet one.
i wish it was still dark.
and we could sleep all...day.
but your pretty eyes are open.
and your hair wants combing.
and your stomach wants food.
and your lips want kissing.

so goodmorning love.
i'm glad you're the one...
that i woke up to today.
let's get up and meet the sun.
or perhaps we can sing in the rain.
such nonsense you say, but...
you laugh when i kiss you hello.

shine pretty morning beauty.
i wish you could stay forever.
this is pointless wishing i know.
cuz your sleepy eyes are open.
and your hands want holding.
and your skin wants touching.
and your lips want kissing.

blurred positions

drift away.

stumble back

another day

off the track.



forgot your name,

not your face.

teach me shame

i ride disgrace.



runaway heart.

my endless track

is desperate art.

stumble back...

downpour

wandering away, up the stairs, to nowhere in particular.
don't even know what's at the top anymore.
forget the world, all colors bleed, blur this fatal picture.
this solemn silence makes life easy to ignore.

standing still

yesterday i thought the world would end.
of course it didn't.
i don't know why.
it should have.

it was raining, that was enough.

i don't like

I don't like my smile.
Or my face.
Or anything about me.
I don't like my hair.
I don't like my body,
Its fat, ugly white slime.
My eyes are squinty, bloodshot little seeing holes. And they're that awful shade of blue that reacts badly with anything but the clearest skin or the whitest whites.
I am unnatural and hideous.
I hate me.
I don't like my smile.
Halfwit.

Eating me...

02-27-09
1845
i'm bored right now...and hungry. I just ate dinner, I shouldn't be hungry... But the only thing to do is watch wheel of fortune. haha, I hate wheel, its so unrealistic...
There is pizza and fruit salad in the fridge...and other snacks on the counter and in the pantry...I know I'll only feel guilty if I eat anything more...
I wish I'd brought a book.
But I biked and I couldn't carry it with.
(Oh my gosh! Is scott going to win big in the bonus round?? Nope, he didn't win 100,000)
Its the 5000th show you know. Makes me feel very young...

So...food commercials. I think they should be outlawed, especially at night.
But I'm not craving food anymore, I think all this venting really helped. :)

today there is rain and tomorrow it may shine

today i am happy.
tomorrow i may be sad.
but all in all it makes for one creatively challenged child.
i wish life was always happy. but then, like the weather,
we would never appreciate the sunshine,
if we didn't have rain and storms, snow, sleet, cold...etc, we wouldn't
notice the beauty and warmth of a spring morning.
of anything to create an emotion, i think songs do it best,
tell me anything in a song and i will likely believe it. (^_^)
okay so why am i happy? cuz i'm not working today?
maybe cuz i'm going to the mall? (yay!) i don't know,
but it doesn't really matter much.
cuz it might rain tomorrow... ^_^